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Based On True Events

by Br00tal Beefcake

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1.
Ground Rules 05:11
I won’t be satisfied! If you don’t simply abide! And I can sniff any lie! So listen and you can reside! I won’t be pacified! If you don’t trust and confide! And I can throw you aside So obey and we’ll be allied My house, my rules and my say These are the things you must obey! Be sure to stay off the computer It’s not like theres any photos of me nude or… Spreadsheets , instructions for my bike Slides of hairstyles that I like Either way you’ll never guess my password its not my name These are the things that I want I want you to be diligent of doing So let’s keep my things arranged So you don’t make me insane! When I come home I want this to look like I had never left at all That is what I expect from you so, do not let expectations fall That guy, the neighbor right there, next door He’s always bitching for some more He needs to learn what’s mine and stay on his side of the line Listen to what I say So we don’t have dismay Cause if we do there’s letters to my family, they’re all a big calamity These are the things that I want I want you to be diligent of doing And let’s keep my things arranged So here you can remain! I won’t be satisfied! If you don’t simply abide! And I can sniff any lie! So listen and you can reside! I won’t be pacified! If you don’t trust and confide! And I can throw you aside So obey and we’ll be allied
2.
Going on a date tonight, make sure my shirt and pants are tight Whole outfits gotta coordinate, be ready out the door by 8 Grab the comb and sculpt my dome, my looks should really hit it home Been at the gym so I look fit and my hair is styled like Brad Pitt First you gotta rough it, and then you gotta fluff it Then you grab some product and be careful as you buff it Next you take a picture, lean against a bathroom fixture And when all of that is set you’ve got the perfect hairdo mixture First you gotta rough it, and then you gotta fluff it Then you grab some product and be careful as you buff it Next you let it grow and carefully you cut it slow So you can document it and put it in your slideshow Sometimes I envy Hollywood I see all their perfect hair and I wish I could And if you ask me how I did this spike I’ll show you all the slides for the hairstyles I like Check my online dating app, theres nothing there, oh shit fuck crap I bought new clothes for my big night, tell all the ladies I don’t bite I really need to find the one, that special person I’d call hun Tonights the night I will and oh, I’ve got that style just like Leo First you gotta rough it, and then you gotta fluff it Then you grab some product and be careful as you buff it Next you take a picture, lean against a bathroom fixture And when all of that is set you’ve got the perfect hairdo mixture First you gotta rough it, and then you gotta fluff it Then you grab some product and be careful as you buff it Next you let it grow and carefully you cut it slow So you can document it and put it in your slideshow Sometimes I envy Hollywood I see all their perfect hair and I wish I could And if you ask me how I did this spike I’ll show you all the slides for the hairstyles I like
3.
When you come crashing down and you get right in my face You need to realize that we’re not burning down this place Take a step back and just relax, everything’s OK We’re just using the broiler, it’s pretty safe I’d say Whats...that...smell…? You say you’re interrupted by the scent of what we made We say you’re crazy for turning small things into crusades Just trying to make a meal but its always something else You need to sit back and worry about yourself Take a step back and just relax, everything’s OK We’re just using the broiler, it’s pretty safe I’d say Whats...that...smell…?
4.
Everyday’s the same Everybody plays the game Always out there for the win Always will be, and has been All my neighbors hate my face But they should stay back in their place If there’s one thing that I’ve learned Its everybody gets their turn Everything we’ve done And all that we have won It doesn’t change our DNA It doesn’t matter if we pray So every woman is a chick And any dude can be a dick Let’s make a toast with our glass Cause everybody is an ass! I’m an ass but you’re an asshole Now that we’re all here Now that you’ll hear me loud and clear Excuse me I forgot to mention I hate your face, there’s growing tension No way to filter from my brain My thoughts are fast like pure cocaine So what I say is what you get And I don’t care if we just met Take all this advice Heed my warning, no one’s nice If you listen you might find You might have a change of mind So start walking into work And start acting like a jerk So join up with us the masses Cause we’re all a bunch of asses! I’m an ass but you’re an asshole
5.
Book clubs, reader gatherings! Are all events I really should explore Library, adult novelty 50 Shades is how I like my whores Figure out a way to get these books out on the market If I could pick the type of people to which I want to target The stories that I want to tell relate to you and me So go and buy a book today and read it you will see Plot twists, sudden irony Ways to keep a reader’s full attention Flash back, a quick parody Make sure you always increase the suspension This one talks of high school fun, 10 years later still not done I sit and try to concentrate but writers block I can’t create A spreadsheet to log all my work, a reference file, some small perk A book idea that would sell, a quick escape from my own hell I really think the stories great, multi layers, tales of fate Sometimes they end with such demise and others make you empathize A story for all walks of life, for young children, a dude, a wife And that’s just how the story goes, if you won’t read you’ll never know Folks who like to read!
6.
Dude Ranch 01:35
Gonna have the ultimate adventure Gonna have some real cowboy fun Grab my lasso and my denim jacket I’ll show you how the Wild West was won Gonna ride some horses, rope some cattle Gonna smoke a cig and shoot a gun Bandana ‘round my neck I’m ready This town’s too small so you had better run The sheriffs dead and I own this place now We had a gunslinging standoff cause His wife was drinking at the saloon And I wanted to tap that fine poon Gonna have the ultimate adventure Gonna have some real cowboy fun Grab my lasso and my denim jacket I’ll show you how the Wild West was won Gonna ride some horses, rope some cattle Gonna smoke a cig and shoot a gun Bandanna ‘round my neck I’m ready This town’s too small so you had better run And now I’m starting to get a feeling There’s something wrong, there’s something up There’s no more girls, there’s no more chicks All I see is tons and tons of dicks Now I kinda get it, now I think it’s too far gone I thought this girl was Dawn, but now his name is Ron, he wants to get it on Now I think I’m stuck here, now I really can’t escape This starts to feel like rape, our bodies in weird shapes, I hope it’s not my fate I just want a way out, I just wish that I could be free Refund my money to me, but now I’m covered in pee, my waiver no agree I just want to forget, I just hope that no one will know No cameras filming this show, I get up quickly to go, goodbye from Cowboy Joe Gonna have the ultimate adventure Gonna have some real cowboy fun Grab my lasso and my denim jacket I’ll show you how the Wild West was won Gonna ride some horses, rope some cattle Gonna smoke a cig and shoot a gun Bandanna ‘round my neck I’m ready But now I’m covered in all cowboy cum UGH!
7.
Magnets 01:15
Saving energy Methods cleverly Sticking forcefully Make sense, never me! Magnets! Trust in the science of them Opposites will attract Remove them prior to washing Post-It note on the rack They're here to serve a purpose Like forces will repel Make sure you follow these steps Or the whole kitchen goes to hell
8.
I’ve finished my exhaulation, but I’m not finished with thee I stand here before you naked, asking what have you ever had planned for me? I’ve been waiting for so long searching, suffering, misery But I must have faith in all you tell me, I wouldn’t want things to turn around and go against me I’m beginning to think that there might be some sliver of chance I’m learning to trust in you and hold out in abstinence so I can have a full romance I have kept my body in the very best of physique In lieu of all that you’ve told me, I disagree that my personality is bleak UGH! Mirror, mirror! Of dickception! I’ve always come to you seeking, the most sincere of advice If I may just place this right here, I won’t move, it’s accurately placed, precise! There’s something that is distracting, but I have a quick fix A piece of paper that will now cover, the part of you that is always there reflecting my dick! Mirror, mirror! Of dickception!
9.
If I have to live this mundane life man it’s really gonna fuck with my head If I have to deal with all these bills then I’d probably rather wind up dead If I could think of a better way to put my time, and money to use Then maybe I wouldn’t get so damn distracted every time I fucking see Footloose! If I had some ideas that I could profit from Maybe I could get out of this life I think is scum If I had some time to think and reflect on all the little things that I say If I had some better people skills maybe I wouldn’t be an asshole cliche If I could devise a plan that could get me to the top Maybe I’ll investigate opening up a personal shop If I had some ideas that I could profit from Maybe I could get out of this life I think is scum Once upon a time it came to me as I sat deep in depression Is all that I really needed was a weekly brainstorming session Now I got everything figured out, I got a fuckton of sweet ideas I’m gonna write some books and film and even travel to South Korea Life’s been pretty great now that I’ve found my peace and I broke the norm I’ll let you in on a little secret, and it’s called brainstorm! Brainstorm for life!
10.
If I took all of the traits that I see There’s that one characteristic for me If she can get her ass out on the floor Then I’d be watching, begging her for more It’s just something innate that I need Some primal force, emotions are freed If she’s got class and respects her body Then we can dance but not naughty It’s just something innate that I need Some primal force, emotions are freed In the salsa formation! Get your feet ready to dance now! Throw a little flirtation There’s no time to rest, no time to stop! Move your body, don’t let it slop Here comes a hop! Let your spirit glide, move to the side I’ll be your guide, YEAH! Dance...dance...dance...MOSH Chicks, chicks who can dance, we need romance, give me a chance, chicks who can dance!
11.
God of dating hear me pray, these words, requests I ask today My profile views show all time highs but perfect women I can’t come by I sit, I wait, I trust in fate, I hope, a mate, some women to date The ones I like I study close, all their details that I know most I will do all that I can to learn about their lives Study their bio’s so I won’t have to improvise These are the types of women I want to be with Together these characteristics I cannot resist Folks of interest!
12.
Moot Points 01:54
Blind ambitions (Cold beer!) Your opinion (Not here!) Creature comforts (Glassware!) Your car (No care!) No! Cause I don’t give a fuck It just doesn’t concern me now! Do you hear what I say? Cause I’m starting to think you don’t! Family issues (My fault!) Odd habits (Verbal Assault!) Being single (Never kind!) Online profile with a Fucked up mind! No! Cause I don’t give a fuck It just doesn’t concern me now! Do you hear what I say? Cause I’m starting to think you don’t! MOOT POINTS!
13.
Set your sights for your household skyhigh, decorative driveways can be hard to come by! All of that work looks like it’d be so intensive, but doing it yourself can really cut down the expenses Every part that you use is hand picked, my opinion go with the red brick If you need some help with all of the labor just ask me you know that we’re just all neighbors But what is this, I thought that we had it all planned out? Now I can see you just wanted to expand out I thought you knew, I said exactly where it ended You didn’t care and now I’m feeling so offended All of that effort for nothing but it’s not done, don’t get comfortable yet cause you’ve not won I know you’ve got it planned and you think it’s alright, but now you’re digging on my yard and now we have to fight! If you cannot stay off my yard, I’ll make your life such hell These property lines are set so do not ever cross over My requests are so simple, yet my neighbors just can’t seem To get this under control, so in their face I’ll just scream This is the ending (I’m calling) City inspector (he’s here) He’ll be surveying (my land and) Writing citations (you clear?) If you cannot stay off my yard, I’ll make your life such hell These property lines are set so do not ever cross over My requests are so simple, yet my neighbors just can’t seem To get this under control, so in their face I’ll just scream
14.
On a drunken night we got stuff still left to explore Diggin’ around and look what we found, a small place right behind the door Who knows what there is, who knows what we’ll find as we trek the unknown We might come across, some shit, a life lost, better not go alone Off to the garage we gotta stock up on supplies Into the abyss we have to hope that no one dies Determine who’s going in head first They might just have a surprise For when they’re in and they look around They’re gonna find several dead guys DEAD! Bodies in the attic (Untimely deaths their ends must have been traumatic!) DEAD! Bodies in the attic (Hearts ripped out, flesh decayed, such a necro-fanatic!) When we got inside it was dark not much to work with As we crawled around we soon found that death was a myth There were no signs of anybody else, nothing to do with any terror I guess that’s alright cause now we don’t need to hire a pallbearer Ugh! DEAD! Bodies in the attic (Untimely deaths their ends must have been traumatic!) DEAD! Bodies in the attic (Hearts ripped out, flesh decayed, such a necro-fanatic!) Next time we will do more investigating Before searching for dead bodies of women he was dating
15.
Somewhere deep down in in fantasy There is a book that you will probably never ever see It tells a tale of comradery Between Gandhi and his gang of Kung Fu employees It’s not published, at least not yet But I don’t think that you can write a better book than that Take in the concept, prepare the set He teaches peace and patience, ninja focus, not a threat Oh! We must find a way to go Teach the world about what we know We give it our all from the heart We must find a way to revive this old martial art You might think that it’s conflicting But it’s not really that hard to see what I’m depicting He had a vision, he had a plan He used an ancient Chinese practice to go against the man Oh! We must find a way to go Teach the world about what we know We give it our all from the heart We must find a way to revive this old martial art Some will come and many will go But we’ll stay headstrong fighting the status quo With our bodies and with our minds We’ll make a positive influence on all of mankind If it comes down to the wire Display of my focus, walk barefoot on hot fire I’ll show you the message and I’ll convert you Practicing the ways of this peaceful Kung Fu It will depict all the battles won The conflicts that were resolved easily without a gun Some parts of India, some part Chinese But you’re never gonna find another story like these I’ll make a profit, not call it greed And try to sell it to all the different types of folks who read That is the plot line, its fresh and new About Gandhi showing off his badass Kung Fu moves Oh! We must find a way to go Teach the world about what we know We give it our all from the heart We must find a way to revive this old martial art Some will come and many will go But we’ll stay headstrong fighting the status quo With our bodies and with our minds We’ll make a positive influence on all of mankind If it comes down to the wire Display of my focus, walk barefoot on hot fire I’ll show you the message and I’ll convert you Practicing the ways of this peaceful Kung Fu We will not be stopped We will take apart The social constructs With martial arts Paradigm shifting We must decree Take your step forward Join us and Gandhi! Some will come and many will go But we’ll stay headstrong fighting the status quo With our bodies and with our minds We’ll make a positive influence on all of mankind If it comes down to the wire Display of my focus, walk barefoot on hot fire I’ll show you the message and I’ll convert you Practicing the ways of this peaceful Kung Fu
16.
D.V.R. 01:24
Everybody get off your feet We’re gonna dance to the TV Everybody now learn the beat We’re gonna have fun and be carefree Now it’s time to get up and dance This is your chance, now it’s time to showoff Grab a girl and start a romance Move your feet you’ve got everybody in a trance Now it’s time to get up and dance This is your very last chance Show all your best moves, advance Hope that she’ll throw you a glance Dance!
17.
Some things that are dear to me Are things I protect very carefully Call upon technology To safeguard all of my confidentiality If it all got lost Invaluable cost I’d be right up shit’s creek There’s no getting back Memories of past They’re gone for good, I’m fucked! There’s so many things that I could not afford to lose Spreadsheets, financial data, I’d be so confused I couldn’t go on without it, it’s all of my life My books, insightful thinking, statistics of a wife But there’s a way Keep all my information very safe And if just in case I blank...I’ll remind myself it’s just my name But don’t forget the… PASSWORD! Your name! The password...is your name! It will never fail (you’re never getting in) You’ll never guess it (it’s totally not my name) It’s a foolproof way (just don’t click password hint) Keep the hackers at bay Now my files are my files and no one will be a threat There’s just one thing that I cannot let myself forget Password! Your name! The password is your name!
18.
Here I stand alone by myself At my home, it’s prepped, for holiday feasts As I look around with such delight For there are those I chose not to invite! They won’t be here! They won’t be near! We’ll have such fun Neglecting someone! When the day arrived there was a plot To take back the food that they all had bought What is this, I swear, it’s mutiny One simple request they turn to lunacy! They will regret! Neglecting my threats! Have fun without my fucking beansprouts! You will now see The wrath that’s in me Give back my key You stole that turkey!

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Debut album from Metro-Detroit thrashers Br00tal Beefcake

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released September 13, 2019

All musical arrangements and recordings- Ian MacDonald
Lead Vocals- Kyle Navarre

Recorded at Better Off Shred Studios
Mixing/Mastering- Ian MacDonald @ Better Off Shred Studios in conjunction with Chernobyl Studios

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Br00tal Beefcake Detroit, Michigan

FULL ALBUM Sept 13, 2019!

Rad to the power of sick comedic thrash project sent on a mission to melt faces and play riffs.

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